96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
