I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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