just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
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Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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