Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
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if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
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We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.