I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out