there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
