My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How drunk are you?
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