Screwed.edu
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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