Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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