Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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