my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
