I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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