Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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