If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize