I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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