Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
