i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
