she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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