He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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