i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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