remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
