like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
