hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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