for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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