My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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