Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
