He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
