dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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