btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
