im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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