I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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