I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
