I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
