I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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