i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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