Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
