I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
