I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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