i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Come on in and take your pants off
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