My Higher Power is John Stamos
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Randomize
