I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
