just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
