You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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