Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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