I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
