Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
