I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm way too hungover for life right now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
