Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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