Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
