I can text with my tongue
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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