cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
