I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
