Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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