Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
