I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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