Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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