goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
