i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
