look no pants
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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