I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's shark week go big or go home
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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