I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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