Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I supernannyed him into submission
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
