Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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