I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
